All-Star Spluttitude!

Okay, we all know that the whole Major League Baseball All-Star Extravaganza is awfully silly these days, what with the Fox Network and its football-style coverage, the endless hype, ballplayers as animated by The Simpsons animators, and the completely unnecessary pomp and grandeur normally associated with presidential coronations or a Super Bowl. But there I was, living with it, having turned on the TV at five, just in time for a touching if odd tribute to Willie Mays. And there I was, sitting on the phone with original EEEEEE! staffer David Beck, making silly remarks about everything related to the splendor. And in mid-laugh… Fzzzzzzt! No more Comcast Digitial Cable. No more Comcast High-Speed Internet. No more Comcast Digital Voice.

At about 5:30 my “immediate area” sustained an “outage,” the Comcast folks said. Of the 141 “subscribers in your area,” only 40 currently had service, meaning that I was the “1” on the end of the remaining, screwed 101. “And why am I not one of those 40?” I ventured. The Comcast lady laughed, reasoning that I was joking, because what kind of an idiot would even ask a question like that?

So anyway, as I write this, it’s 7:30, and the cable just went back on, in the bottom of the sixth. What a terrific All-Star Game experience. That’s two and a half hours I refuse to pay Comcast for.

The National League hero so far is Ken Griffey Jr., not Barry Bonds, who went 0-for-2, then did the“four and fly” thing. Griffey, meanwhile, has driven in the National League’s two runs and thrown out Alex Rodriguez at third base. Or maybe home. Ask ESPN radio. It should go without saying, however, that the AL leads it 3-2, thanks largely to an inside-the-park home run—I swear—by Ichiro Suzuki. At least I think it was him—it’s hard to pay attention to the ESPN radio guys. At least I think it was ESPN. In any case, I liked it way better back when the NL used to win every single All-Star Game.

Meanwhile, the crowd was very kind to Bonds in the pregame introduction, however, and I have to hand it to Fox for restraining themselves from pointing out that you’d expect to hear a lot more boos, even from home-town season-ticket holders, for such a cheating, genocidal maniac. So kudos, Fox. Or at least a kudo.

And earlier today, there was I, cracking myself up over the notion, “Boy, National League manager Tony LaRussa is such a classless boob that he refuses to voluntarily select a Giant to the team as a reserve or one of the pitchers! What a classless boob, that boob!” Because I cannot honestly name a San Francisco Giant aside from Bonds who would rate more than maybe a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 illustrating how All-Star worthy a given player might be. Even in lean years, usually I could name at least two guys who could’ve or should’ve been added to the squad; even in 1984, the last time we saw All-Star Baseball in San Francisco, the horrendous San Francisco Giants sent two representatives. And this time LaRussa coulda picked… um… Bengie Molina! Yeah! He’s gotta be a 4, easy! Or Matt Morris! Another 4! What about dark horse Noah Lowry? A 3.5, maybe a 4! But noooooooo, LaRussa had to pick two Dodgers, to go with starting catcher Russell Martin. So fair!

Wow, this team is weak.

The Giants, I mean.