It Hardly Hurts At All!

I’ve just injected several cubic centimeters of performance-enhancing substances into my tummy. Here we go. Let’s see what happens:

• 0:05:00: nothing much.
  
• 0:10:00: nothing much.
  
• 0:15:00: nothing much.
  
• 0:20:00: nothing much, but I’m going to baseball-reference.com and looking up “Gregg Pearlman” just in case.
  
• 0:30:00: would’ve checked at the 25-minute mark, but had to go to the bathroom, then somebody phoned. And I find myself becoming easily angered for some reason.
  
• 0:30:15: oh, yeah, almost forgot: still no “Gregg Pearlman” entry on baseball-reference.com; will start checking every half an hour.
  
• 1:00:00 (well, every half hour—minus 15 seconds in this case): ah, here we go! I now have 100 home runs in my major league career!
  

Yes! It’s true! Just one injection of Cheat Juice and I’m 99 up on Duane Kuiper and Noah Lowry! Really! I didn’t even have to go out there and hit ’em! Merely the act of taking performance-enhancing substances adds dozens and dozens of home runs to my lifetime major league totals! You could look it up! You’ll see this:

Well, the text is real small, but lookit them hundred dingers! This is so cool! I’ve always wanted to get into the record book somehow! Man, wait till I inject myself a few more times! Then nobody will be worrying about Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron’s record, because I’ll be so far past it that it won’t matter anymore! I’ll be the all-time home run champ! Because all it takes is a few injections! Just ask the Bonds-bashers!